What My Miscarriage Taught Me…
I wanted to be a young mother.
Perhaps the desire stemmed from the biological and psychological realm or maybe it was the culture I grew up in.
Whatever the case, I desired to be a mom. A young mom.
Luckily, that became a reality when I had my daughter at 24.
What followed was a steep learning curve…
I learnt how to take care of a tiny human. I also learnt how to keep the said human alive.
In case you haven’t heard, kids are hell-bent on doing the crazy out there. Like running in front of cars or putting stuff in their mouths that belongs in the trash.
I am grateful for every second I grew, thanks to my child. She was my teacher on this journey.
I also lost and regained my identity.
Phew! That was a ride.
I knew I wanted more kids. But not immediately.
I wanted to (somewhat) get the hang of this whole motherhood thing while maintaining my sanity.
Who am I kidding? Does someone ever really * get * the hang of parenting? But no harm in trying, right?
When my husband and I felt the time was right, we started on the journey to expand our family. After almost half a year, I found out I was pregnant.
I surprised my husband. Made a video and everything. We were happy.
10 days later I miscarried.
It was sad and heartbreaking. But somehow, I was at peace. I had been praying constantly for the health and safety of my baby.
If the baby is gone… there must be something that I don’t know but the One up there does.
During this time, my daughter was like the warm sun, shining down on us through the grey clouds. She didn’t let us go into the downward spiral which would’ve sucked us in otherwise.
My miscarriage left me with extreme longing and desperation for another kid. Even more than I had before.
Now I know, it isn’t as easy as I had imagined. Miscarriages happen. Fertility declines with age. Sometimes, no reason is needed. It just doesn’t happen.
I had met people who had one kid and wanted more but so far, luck wasn’t on their side.
‘What if I never have another child?’ is a question that haunts me.
Honestly, part of me is surprised at my longing. Giving birth and raising a child is very tough. I’ve been through that. And I still want more?
Because as tough as it is, this part of life is also filled with an unimaginable amount of love.
Even after draining your energy, these naughty little munchkins know exactly how to pull at your heartstrings.
Despite my emotions of grief, longing and uncertainty , I am still grateful for my experience.
Why?
Because it taught me a lot. It taught me things, which I wouldn’t have understood otherwise.
What did I learn?
- I learnt that having kids is a blessing. You are chosen to be bestowed with this blessing by God. You cannot will a child into existence just because you want one.
- This experience made me even more grateful for the child that I already have.
- I learnt the pain of those who have suffered from this loss. Yes, one can empathize with people without living their reality. But the understanding you have, once you actually go through the experience is on another level entirely.
- I have an even greater empathy for those who can’t have kids or don’t have kids despite wanting to.
If it wasn’t for my miscarriage, I wouldn’t have understood the pain of my fellow humans like I do now.
That’s why, I am grateful.
